Detention Club Little Red Ridinghood
by Hopeakaarme
Summary: Because they get so many detentions, the Marauders get a new assignment, accompanied by Lily and Snape. The Detention Club's version of Little Red Ridinghood pushes the whole school off tracks.SLASH RLSS
1. What the Fuck?

Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. JKR owns them all. She owns a lot of things.

A/N: ::giggles:: I'm insane... ::giggles again::

So, why did I write this? Dunno... I've had this idea in my head for a long time already, and now I decided to type it out. Also, I wanted to test yet new pairings.

This story will eventually (though not yet) contain SLASH. Yeah, you read right. As in, boy/boy romance. (The only "real" pairing I'm intending to use in these Detention Club fics that will be seen in this fic is Remus/Severus, but the others will follow. Yeah, I do plan to make several of these.)

Anyway, on with the story!

* * *

Detention Club - Little Red Ridinghood

Chapter 1:

What the Fuck?

* * *

"Why did we have to be here for the detention?" grumbled James, eyeing around the empty classroom. "And what the hell are we supposed to do here?"

"I'd rather know why we are all here," snapped Remus. All Marauders, Snape, and Lily stood in the same room, glaring at each other. "Even if we were to clean this room, it wouldn't take long - if we didn't start to fight," he added then.

"Well, thankfully, I can answer all your questions," said a dry voice from the doorway. "And I must say that you have now royally fucked up."

They all turned to see their young Potions Assistant, Lucius Malfoy, standing in the doorway. The twenty-two-year-old smirked. "As I'm the youngest of the staff, I'm forced to be with you in this so-called detention. And I assure you, I enjoy it even less than you."

"So what are we going to do?" snapped Snape irritably.

"Patience, Mister Snape," said Malfoy with a tiny smirk. He sat down on a chair he'd pulled out, and gestured them to do the same. As they all were seated, the Potions Assistant said, "Headmaster Dumbledore has noticed that, excluding Miss Evans here, you're almost all the time in detention."

"Not our fault," muttered Sirius angrily. "It's you teachers' fault for giving us detentions!"

Malfoy raised an eyebrow, but didn't comment on that. Instead, he said, "So, instead of making you clean the same cauldrons and classrooms for the hundredth time, you're going to do something that other people will enjoy."

"And that'd be?" asked Remus curiously.

"Rather simple." Malfoy smirked slightly, waved his wand, and made small piles of paper appear on the desk in front of each of the students. "This is the story for 'Little Red Ridinghood.' Your detention of this time is over as soon as we have produced and presented a play out of this story, the whole school seeing the result of our efforts. Until then, we'll be meeting here every day for two hours a time."

"I'm _not_ going to be Little Red Ridinghood!" said Lily firmly at the same second as Remus said, "I'm _not_ going to be the wolf!"

"But you were just the ones I was going to cast to those roles," said the older Slytherin. Despite what he'd said, he seemed to be wholly enjoying the whole encounter.

"I absolutely refuse!" argued Remus, sounding much angrier than any of his friends had seen him for a long time. "I'll die rather than play the wolf!"

"But you'd do it so _well,_ Remus," pleaded Sirius then, a mischievous glint appearing into his eyes.

"And Black's going to be the girl's mother," added Malfoy, not even glancing towards Sirius.

Sirius groaned aloud. "I must learn when to shut my mouth," he muttered to himself. Then he asked, "But shouldn't we be allowed to pick our roles?"

"Dumbledore kind of feared that you'd attack each other," replied the Potions Assistant dryly. "Don't worry, though. If you do our parts nicely, maybe you'll get to pick your roles in the next production of the Detention Club."

All students let out disbelieving sounds at the name.

"Geez, don't look at me like that," sighed Malfoy. "It wasn't me who came up with the name, it was the Headmaster. Anyway, we have to get this one made, and when we're going to present the play, you can fight over the name. Now, Lupin as the wolf, Evans as the girl, Black as the mother, Snape as the grandmother, and Potter as the woodcutter."

"And what about me?" asked Peter over the sounds of loud protest that came from the others upon this announcement.

"You're going to do the Glamouring charms that we're obviously going to need," replied Malfoy calmly. "You know, I don't think that Black and Snape are going to succeed in their roles as they are now."

Peter giggled nervously, then cowered under the sharp glares Sirius and Snape were giving him.

"Okay. Does everybody know what they are going to do?" At the slow nods, Malfoy smirked. "Great. Let's get to work."

* * *

Next chapter: **I Don't Want to**

The Detention Club should practice the play, but Sirius doesn't want to dress in women's clothes, Remus doesn't want to eat Severus (blame the Pre-Moonal Syndrome) and Lily doesn't want to be any fun.


	2. I Don't Want to

Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own anything.

A/N: More cheerful insanity...

Oh, and WARNING: SLASH RL/SS. You've been warned.

* * *

Detention Club - Little Red Ridinghood

Chapter 2:

I Don't Want to

* * *

"No. Absolutely not."

"You are going to do this, Black," Malfoy sighed and rolled his eyes towards the ceiling. "Or I will Stupefy you and dress you to this while you're unconscious."

"But it's - it's improper!" the Gryffindor tried to protest. "I'll look like a damned drag queen!"

This brought a couple of chuckles from the other occupants of the room. "Oh, get on with it," James sighed and fastened a belt over his coat. "Everybody else has to wear their clothes, too."

"You're one to speak," Sirius grumbled. "You are the only one who gets to dress as a man!"

"So? That's because I am the only man around here," said his friend, sticking his tongue out.

"So you're suggesting that I'm an animal?" asked Remus. Even though he tried to get a sarcastic tone into his voice, and raised his eyebrow rather successfully, his lower lip was quivering rather threateningly. James sighed deep. It was one day to the full moon, and Remus was always torn between outraged and weeping around the transformation, when he went oversensitive. Why couldn't he for once be over-sweet, or something like that?

"Of course not, Moony," James said, grinning charmingly. "You are just a horrible beast."

"A _sexy_ beast, thank you very much," replied Remus, pouting, and sticking his tongue out in turn. Then, he waggled his tail, although he still seemed to be threateningly near tears. Peter's Glamouring Charms and a simple wolf-suit had made him really looking like a wolf. He had a long, shaggy fur covering most of his body, a long, tufted tail attached on his butt, glowing yellow eyes, wolf ears, and long, sharp fangs. The skin of his face had been turned into the same shade as his fur, which was the same as that of his hair.

Snape put his hands on Remus's shoulders, making the other Marauders grimace. They of course knew that Snape was Remus's boyfriend, but that didn't stop them from picking fights with the Slytherin. That'd been the reason why they were in detention, anyway - James, Sirius, Peter, and Snape had started to fight, and Remus and Lily, who'd at first attempted to be peacemakers, had got involved in it.

Now, Snape nuzzled Remus's neck. "Of course you are a sexy beast, darling," he murmured into the werewolf's modified wolf ear. "Just don't cry now. We have a play to practice, after all."

"I know that, Sev," sighed Remus, leaning back against Snape's chest.

Malfoy raised a questioning eyebrow. "What's this?" he asked.

"It's full moon tonight," Snape explained, wrapping his arms more firmly around Remus's shoulders. "He always gets a bit sensitive around that."

"I do not!" exclaimed Remus, now looking irritated. "Take that back, you prick!"

Snape rolled his eyes. "Fine, I didn't mean it," he sighed. "Just don't yell at me, Remy dear. I didn't mean to insult you."

"Better be so," Remus mumbled, his best pout working on full force.

James chuckled, and then sighed inwardly in relief. Remus didn't seem to be bursting into tears at the moment - at least not yet.

At last, they got Sirius dress into the blouse and skirt that had been assigned to him, as well as the long, black wig that Lily tried to get on an acceptable bun. Sirius smoothed his apron while Peter added the last Glamouring Charm. The result was that Sirius looked absolutely like a woman, which of course made James laugh out loud.

Sirius shot his best friend a dirty look. "You're one to laugh," he hissed. "And look at Snape! I cannot look as bad as he does!"

"Aww, Sev looks cute," said Remus with a smirk, patting his boyfriend's head. Snape shot him at least as heated glare as the one Sirius had given to James. Snape had silvery white hair pulled back on a tight bun, glasses, a nightgown, and a flurry little hat-like thing on his head. His face was on unbelievably real-looking wrinkles, and even his hands seemed to be wrinkled.

"Now, let's get to work," sighed Malfoy, rolling his eyes at the boys' antics. "At first, we'll take the scene where the wolf eats the Grandma."

This, however, was a really bad choice of words. In an instant, Remus was weeping, tears soaking his whole face. "Bu-but I don't _want_ to eat Se-ev!" the werewolf sobbed pitifully.

"Darling, it's just a play," sighed Snape, hugging Remus warmly and rolling his eyes towards the ceiling behind the werewolf's back. "You won't eat me really. We'll just act, you know? Like we acted that we hated each other?"

"Bu-but I don't want to!" sobbed Remus still. "I-it's unfair! I want to eat James, he's a meanie! I don't want to eat _you_!"

"Well, at least we now know not to present our final production near the full moon," said Malfoy dryly.

"He doesn't have to come to detention tomorrow, does he?" asked Sirius worriedly as the thought came to his head after he'd got over the initial shock.

"Of course not," said Malfoy calmly. "Instead, I'll make you others work twice as much!"

"Unfair!" whined Peter. "Then we cannot visit him in the Infirmary!"

"Oh, shut up," Malfoy sighed, rolling his eyes. "How do you think we even could do anything without the wolf? No, tomorrow is a free day for you all. And if you fight," he added, glancing warningly at Sirius and Snape, who were glaring at each other over Remus's back, "I'll make sure that your next play will be 'Romeo and Juliet.'"

"NO!" exclaimed all boys in unison, while Lily squealed excitedly, "Oh, yes!"

"But I still don't want to eat Severus," whined then Remus, who'd got at last over his weeping fit. "He tastes good, but what fun will it be if I eat him wholly?"

"Ewww," said Sirius, James, and Peter in unison, while Lily giggled and Snape groaned aloud.

"But that's what wolves do," Malfoy tried to convince Remus.

"What if werewolves don't do that?" asked Remus fiercely.

Snape sighed and shook his head. "That's not going to lead to anything," he muttered. "What about if we made some modifications to the original story?"

"What kind of modifications?" asked Malfoy, sounding really interested.

So, Snape explained his ideas.

And in the end, even Remus was smirking broadly.

"We'll get another detention for this," chuckled Sirius, "but Merlin, it will be worth it!"

"I don't agree," said Lily with a frown. "That'll only get us in trouble!"

"Well, we weren't going to do it, anyway," said Malfoy, but he exchanged glances with the boys behind her back.

All boys nodded to him. They were in.

* * *

A/N: The next chapter: **Let's Play!**

Finally, it's the time for the play to be presented to the school. But Lily's acting doesn't satisfy the other people in the Detention Club. Therefore, she has to be dealt with.


	3. Let's Play!

Disclaimer: Not mine. JKR owns the characters, and Little Red Ridinghood is an old fairy tale.

A/N: So, here they are again... Sorry, no "variated" play this time, just the little they did about the "classic" one!

* * *

Detention Club - Little Red Ridinghood

Chapter 3:

Let's Play!

* * *

"The Detention Club presents: Little Red Ridinghood," announced the poster on the door of the Great Hall. There were two figures in the picture - Lily, in her appropriately red clothes, and Remus in his wolf suit, lurking behind a tree. "Starring: Little Red Ridinghood - Lily Evans; the mother - Sirius Black; the wolf - Remus Lupin; the grandmother - Severus Snape ; the woodcutter - James Potter. Set design and dressing - Peter Pettigrew. Production - Lucius Malfoy. All students required present."

Of course, the poster certainly did tempt people to watch the play. If not for anything else, everyone wanted to see Sirius as the mother and Snape as the grandmother. However, the last ones to enter the hall were a couple of students dragged inside by Filch.

Lucius glanced at their audience from the side of the temporary stage placed where usually was the Staff Table. As everyone seemed to be ready, he gave a slight nod to Peter, who waved his wand. The curtains were opened, revealing the rather believable sight of a forest, a little path leading through it, and a little cottage on both ends of the forest.

Stepping to his place in the right end of the stage, the young Potions Assistant glanced yet again at his audience. With a self-satisfied smirk he noticed many adoring glances given to him by the female students. After all, he was young, wealthy, from a respectable family, and fairly attractive in the deep blue robes he favoured nowadays. A pity that he preferred males. So, of course some boys were eyeing him just as approvingly, but not anyone who held any interest to him. No one was handsome enough not to look bad with him, usual-looking enough not to overshine him, brave enough to face his family, and insane enough to even consider a long-term relationship with a Slytherin at this point. And a long-term relationship was exactly what he had in mind. One-night stands weren't appropriate for Malfoys.

Well, time to get to work. People were already waiting for him to do something.

"So, once upon a time, there was a little girl called Little Red Ridinghood," Lucius started his so-called difficult task of the storyteller, his voice strengthened by a quiet Sonorius to carry over the whole Hall. Lily stepped on the stage, the redness of her clothes well matching the flames of her hair. "She was called this because of the ridinghood her Grandma had made for her, because she liked her so much." Lily gave her most pleasant smile to everyone, trying to look as cute and good-girly as possible. Most of the teachers looked approving, while some of the students - and, Lucius noticed, even the Headmaster - were already struggling against the irresistible urge to yawn.

"One fine morning, Little Red Ridinghood's mother called her."

"Oh, my little dear!" squealed Sirius, stepping out of the cottage near Lily. Lucius had to give him credit - he didn't hex any of the people either bursting into laughter or whistling approvingly when they saw his "female" appearance. Well, Peter had done very good work, that he had to admit - if there hadn't been the list of the actors, no one would have recognized the boy.

"Yes, mother?" asked Lily pleasantly, walking over to her "mother." Cocking her head to one side, she seemed to be eagerly waiting for some orders.

"Your grandmother is _sick_. Could you please take this basket and get it to her? There's some food for her to eat."

"Of course, mother!" agreed Lily immediately. "I've been looking forward for a little walk in the forest, it's such a fine weather today."

"But do not talk to strangers," warned Sirius her then, raising a finger to emphatize his words. "And don't step aside from the path. That'll only do bad to you."

"I won't, mother!" promised the girl in a way not a real child ever would. Well, there were reasons why this was a fairy tale.

Deciding that their victims - the majority of the students, and Dumbledore - had already suffered enough, Lucius gave a silent mark to Peter. It was about the time to put their plan into action, despite the fact that the play had hardly even started.

"And so, Little Red Ridinghood went to walk in the forest," he said, trying to keep his voice as normal as possible. It would not do to let it to anyone that something was out of ordinary - other than the fact that Sirius Black and Severus Snape were more or less voluntarily wearing women's clothes.

Suddenly, one of the trees swifted a bit. Before Lily even noticed this, she'd walked right against it. This wasn't enough to knock her off - the trees were almost wholly illusions - but a quickly whispered "Stupefy" from Severus behind the curtains was certainly enough. So, to all audience, it appeared as if she'd ran against a tree and knocked herself unconscious.

"Ahem... I'm sorry, but our Little Red Ridinghood seems to be slightly injured," said Malfoy cheerfully as he levitated Lily away from the stage. "Therefore, we're going to put another person to the role. Hopefully, this won't affect the running of the play." Of course it wouldn't. They'd practiced the play many times enough without Lily for it to run even better than with her.

Lucius exchanged a slight glance with Dumbledore, and caught a hint of a twinkle in the Headmaster's eye. He'd promised the man that he wouldn't be bored while watching the play, and he sure as hell would keep the promise.

A wave of the wand from Peter closed the curtains, and a rapid fussing started. With a quick charm Sirius made Lily lose her clothing - of course, Lucius kept sure that every single boy was facing away from her, even the obvious gays - and another brought her usual clothes back to her. Then, Peter started to quickly change his clothes. In less than five minutes, all needed adjustments to their appearances and the set desing were done.

With a slight smirk, Lucius allowed the curtains to be opened again. It was time to get to _serious_ work.

* * *

The next chapter: **Let's Try Again**

The Detention Club now presents their own version of the story "Little Red Ridinghood." The students and the Headmaster have, to say the least, great time - most of the teachers don't.


	4. Let's Try Again

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, just the insane plot.

A/N: I truly had fun making up this version of the play... Although I tried to keep it just so-so, so they won't be dragged off the stage - yet. ::snickers:: Yup, as in, not _yet_...

Oh, and implied SLASH RL/SS in this chap. And Bad Language. Our boys have such dirty mouths, don't they?

* * *

Detention Club - Little Red Ridinghood

Chapter 4:

Let's Try Again

* * *

"So, once upon a time, there was a little girl called Little Red Ridinghood," announced Lucius. Peter stepped to the stage, in red clothes and a long, curly wig on his head. "The girl was called this because of the ridinghood her Grandma had made for her to match her hair, which constantly seemed to be in fire." With this, Peter threw his flaming red curls over his shoulder. Like they'd noticed while practising the "alternate" play, Peter was in fact a good actor. As soon as he stepped on the stage, he forgot all his shyness.

"One fine morning, Little Red Ridinghood's mother called her."

"Reeed-dieee!" squealed Sirius in his broad skirts, his bun a bit messed up and a bra string showing from his wide collar. "I have some _things_ to do. Grandma has been so depressed after Grandpa eloped with his secretary, would you take her this basket? There are a couple of bottles of brandy and some cigarettes for her, that'll surely cheer her up."

"Only if you pay me enough," said Peter stubbornly, raising his nose disapprovingly.

"Reddie, we already went through this the last time," Sirius sighed. "Can't you just do it this one time? I'm sure it won't hurt you to get some fresh air every once in a while." This took a couple of chuckles even from the teachers, who'd frowned disapprovingly at Sirius's appearance.

"Fine," "the girl" snorted. "May I fly there?"

"No. Absolutely not. There are Muggles around, they might see you. And absolutely no talking to strangers, a paedophile has been seen around here recently."

"Be that way, you bitch," muttered Peter under his breath as he took the offered basket.

"That'll only make you a daughter of a bitch!" shouted Sirius after him.

"That's just like me and my mother!" shouted somebody from the audience, which, of course, made everyone laugh just more.

"Little Red Ridinghood went to the path leading through the forest," said Lucius. "Unfortunately, she forgot the prohibition of talking to strangers as soon as she saw an interesting-looking man leaning against a tree nearby. Little did she know that this man was not only a werewolf, but also the secret lover of her Grandma."

Now, Remus emerged from among the trees. He was now recognizably a human, but he still had a wolf's ears, bright yellow eyes, big fangs, and long, sharp claws. The wolf's tail on his butt was waggling rapidly.

"Oh, my, you cute little girl," squealed Remus with a high-pitched voice. "Where are you going to, without your mother and all?"

"What is it to you, you sick fuck?" spat Peter. "Keep your hands off me!" he shrieked then as Remus tried to pat him on the head.

At this point, some teachers tried to get up and go to the stage, but a calming gesture from Dumbledore stopped them. The Headmaster seemed to be enjoying himself. Encouraged by this, the actors went on.

"Fine, fine, no need to get feisty," Remus said, pouting slightly. "I'll just be on my way then, okay?"

"Better be so," hissed Peter, backing away from the werewolf. He continued to stare after Remus long after he'd disappeared to the forest.

"Meanwhile, Little Red Ridinghood's Grandma was expecting her guest," Lucius said cheerfully. Now everybody directed their eyes to the other cottage, and gasped as the front wall suddenly vanished. Then, the whole audience bursted into laughter as they saw the Grandma, a perfect old woman, whom they knew to be Snape.

Just then, Remus knocked on the door. "Come in!" yelled Snape. "It's not locked!"

So, the werewolf slipped in. He surveyed the "woman" - who was clad in a blouse and a wide skirt - with hungry eyes. "You look good," he praised.

"You're not that bad yourself," replied Snape calmly. "The bed, then?"

All students choked at laughter at that point, while the teachers let out disapproving sounds. The two lovers didn't care about this, instead, they just went to the bed, which was all furniture the "cottage" had, other than a large closet in the corner.

Just as they were getting well with it - Remus lay on his back on the bed, while Snape straddled his hips - there was a knock on the door. "Grandma?" they heard Peter's yell.

"Oh, shit," said Snape, paling effectively. "It's Reddie!" He seemed to almost shrink back, ending up on a little ball at Remus's feet.

The werewolf growled lowly. "Damn. We don't have time to change positions." With one swift movement, he simply pulled the covers over his lover. This resulted with a rather suspicious bundle of blankets somewhere below his midsection at the place where Snape was huddled on a ball.

"It's okay," they heard Snape's muffled voice through the covers. "She's always had bad eyesight and not too smart mind. Just play along and kick her off."

"Hey, Grandma!" yelled Peter as he threw the door open. "My bitch of a mother sent you some goods!"

"I did not raise her to raise you to talk like that!" yelled Remus back with a high-pitched voice only slightly reminiscent of the one Snape was using to match his female role. "Now, give me the stuff and get the hell out of here!"

"Not so fast!" the "girl" said, skipping further to the cottage. He then placed the basket in his hands on the floor. "Grandma," Peter then said, eyeing the heap of blankets suspiciously, "why do you have so big butt?"

"Oh, I haven't got very much exercise lately," Remus chirped, trying to look innocent. "By the way, Reddie darling, have you considered getting glasses?"

"Why?" Peter frowned. "I see perfectly well. Why do you have so big teeth, anyway?"

"Oh, it's just a little mistake," the werewolf said cheerfully. "You see, when your Grandpa left, he left his own false teeth behind and took mine by accident. That's why they seem so big in my mouth."

"Okay," said Peter, again readily accepting any explanation given to him. Then, his eyes widened as they again wandered further down the bed. "But Grandma," he said breathily, "why do you have so big -"

"CENSORED!" shrieked Sirius's voice from the back of the stage, drowning the rest of his words. All students bursted into laughter, Dumbledore chuckled approvingly, and most of the teachers frowned in great disapprovance. Yet again, however, the Headmaster's gesture kept them seated and let the play continue.

"Big what, my dear?" Remus asked, trying to act like he hadn't heard anything. "I'm sorry, but my hearing just isn't quite the same as it was when I was a bit younger. I'm still blaming that on your mother, she either screamed or yelled all the time through her first fifteen years."

Peter seemed to be thinking. Then, his eyes widened in a perfect resemblance of shock and sudden realization. "Hey!" he exclaimed. "You're a woman! But then - why - you can't have -" Not hesitating much, he suddenly grasped the covers on top of his "grandmother" and pulled them away. Thus, he revealed Snape, who was lying on top of Remus, his skirts dragged halfway up his thighs and his hands disappeared somewhere underneath the werewolf's shirt, Remus's hands equally wandering inside his blouse through the collar.

Peter screamed. It was a perfect, high-pitched girly scream of fear, something only a true actor can manage if they are male. Then, he fainted.

* * *

The next chapter: **We'll Be Back!**

Sirius returns to the story along with James. The Grandma and the werewolf elope, and the teachers - minus the Headmaster - finally get enough of the ridiculous play.


	5. We'll Be Back!

Disclaimer: They're not mine. Not in any way. Nope.

A/N: Okay... So, this is the last actual chapter before the epilogue...

* * *

Detention Club - Little Red Ridinghood

Chapter 5:

We'll Be Back

* * *

"Worried that Little Red Ridinghood's scream might alert other people to the place, the Grandma and the werewolf decided to hide somewhere. As there were not many places where to hide, they closed themselves into the large closet in the corner of the room," Lucius told cheerfully, while the students all laughed out loud. "After a moment, Little Red Ridinghood gained back her consciousness."

"Oh, my," muttered Peter as he crawled up from the floor. "Should have known... Maybe Mother wasn't so wrong about spectacles? How I didn't realize that it was that man from the forest? I must have been on something... But hey, I haven't taken anything today, have I?"

"It was not Little Red Ridinghood's fault, anyway," continued Lucius with a broad grin. "The flowers her Grandma had planted in front of her house were slightly hallucinogenic, and as Little Red Ridinghood hadn't known to be ware, she'd smelled those. Hallucinogenic flowers do funny things to you. Anyway, somebody had indeed heard her scream. Mere moments later, the Woodcutter rushed to the cottage."

Now, James emerged from the forest and ran to the cottage. As he stepped in, he frowned slightly. "You're Little Red Ridinghood, aren't you?" he asked. "What's the matter? And where's your Grandmother, isn't this her house?"

"She was in the bed," replied Peter. "And there was somebody else, too. They were being _naughty_. Birds and bees stuff." At this, he waggled his eyebrows, clearly indicating that he indeed knew all about birds and bees.

"Oh, my," muttered James, scratching his head. "I would scream, too, if I caught the old lady in the bed with somebody... You don't happen to know where your mother is, do you?"

"Coming here, if I know her any," muttered Peter. "Ever since the social workers put her under observation, she's become even more the watch dog she previously was. Believe me, if I screamed, she'll be here in no time."

"And true was Little Red Ridinghood in her words," Lucius said with the sweetest smile on Earth. "Her mother was really coming towards the cottage, in a great haste to see her dear child well and safe."

Just then, Sirius threw the door open and stepped in. "What the hell is wrong with you, you little slut?" he shrieked, seemingly not noticing James at first. "Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack? One more stunt like that, young lady, and you'll be grounded for the rest of your life!"

"But, Mother," protested Peter, "I saw Grandma in _bed_ with a _werewolf_! At least I think it was a werewolf... He had a _tail_."

"You've been smoking something again," muttered Sirius. "Somehow, I'm not surprised that the old perv lady did that."

"That 'old perv lady' is your mother," noted James calmly.

"And what the fuck do I care about that?" huffed Sirius. Then, he turned towards James with a suggestive expression. "Anyway, _thank_ you for coming to check on my stupid spawn. Would you like some tea, Mister Woodcutter?" asked Sirius then with his most pleasant smile, fingering his skirt.

"No, thanks," grumbled James. "But something stronger would be fine."

All students laughed, while most of the teachers frowned.

"All right!" exclaimed the "mother." "I'm sure I have a bottle of Old Odgeon's Firewhiskey somewhere at home! But I fear it's on some very high shelf I cannot reach by myself. Would you want to come with me to get it from there?"

"May I have some, too?" asked Peter, giggling.

"No," snorted Sirius, "it's not allowed for kids. Instead, you'll stay here and make sure that my nosy mother won't come to... eh... _disturb_ us, when we are... well... having a little _drink_." At this, he winked suggestively at James, who replied with a mischievous grin and a hand wandering somewhere near the waistband of Sirius's skirt.

Students doubled over in laughter, Dumbledore chuckled, and a couple of other teachers were starting to rise from where they were seated right in front of the stage.

"Grandma's not here," protested Peter, "she eloped with the werewolf. That's why they were not here when you came in the first place. And if you don't give me Firewhiskey, I'll tell Dad when he comes home!"

"Tell him what?" asked Sirius dryly. "That I didn't give you whiskey?"

"No! That you were goddamn shagging a stranger while Grandma's trying to get a bloody heart attack with her animalistic lover!" At this, Peter yanked open the door of the nearby closet, revealing Remus, who was just trying to lick the insides of Snape's stomach through his mouth by the looks of it.

At this point, McGonagall, Filch, and a couple of other teachers were climbing to the stage, their faces pale with fury and shock. Once there, each of them grasped one actor, starting to drag them out of sight.

"We'll be back!" exclaimed Sirius to their laughing and applauding audience before he was forcefully dragged away from the stage along with the others.

* * *

Epilogue: **Da Capo!**  
Lucius and Dumbledore discuss the next production of the Detention Club.  



	6. Da Capo!

Disclaimer: I do not own them. Not at all. JKR does.

A/N: This epilogue is dedicated to **hipa** for actually guessing right their next production...

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Detention Club - Little Red Ridinghood

Epilogue:

Da Capo!

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"So." Dumbledore raised his cup, eyeing the young man in front of him over the cup.

"So," said Lucius also, his cup kept lower. He had no idea what he should expect, but the amused twinkle in the Headmaster's eyes told that he wasn't in too much of a trouble.

"That was certainly an... unexpected version of the story," said Dumbledore then, chuckling slightly. "I'm sure that what you produced wasn't exactly in Minerva's mind as she picked the story you had to turn into a play."

"Well, it wasn't my idea," the Potions Assistant replied, shrugging. "Mostly it was young Mister Snape." And then, he told the story of how he and the boys had come to a decision about their final plotline.

As he finished, the Headmaster's eyes were twinkling even more. "Who'd known that young Mister Snape had such an imagination?" he said with a smile. "Or such great acting skills?"

"He's skilled, of course, he's a Slytherin," Lucius snorted. "But I doubt that much of that was really acting."

"Ah, yes," said the Headmaster, chuckling again. "Their, shall we say, romantic scene seemed to have rather much feeling behind it... Truly exceptional, I might say."

"You could say that," said Lucius with a slight smirk. "And Mister Pettigrew's acting skills are truly great, I've seen that as we practised."

"I must agree. I could have mistaken him for a girl, had I not known better -- although partly that's of course because of the great masking."

"Yeah, Peter has a way with Glamouring charms," admitted Lucius with a grin. "A great way, I must say. It's not a wonder he's on top of his class in Charms."

"Some of the teachers are fuming. I seemingly have to assign them all new detentions," the Headmaster said then with a mock-sigh. "Not all of them, however. Miss Evans was clearly not involved in the 'varied' version of the story, so I'll just let it pass on her part." Fixing Lucius a twinkling gaze over his half-moon glasses, he said, "Oh, and Lucius, I expect to see your next play before it's presented to the whole school. You know, censorship and all."

"Of course," Lucius replied with the same "serious" tone. He knew full well that the Headmaster would accept about anything he'd get the boys to act. And even better he knew that the Headmaster would laugh out loud both times he'd see the play.

Saying his quiet goodbyes to the Headmaster, he left the office. Just like he'd expected, all five boys assaulted him as soon as he'd got past the gargoyle.

"Well? Can we create new plays?" Sirius asked eagerly. He was almost jumping up and down in excitement, like a little child.

"Yeah, that'd be great," James said, his hazel eyes twinkling. "And the Headmaster didn't seem _too_ disapproving about our little performance."

"Alas, you're all assigned a new detention," said Lucius, attempting to appear sad. Then he added with a slight smirk, "And he wants to see the next play before we present it to everyone."

"Great!" James smirked broadly. "Now, what are we going to present them?"

"Well, there is always 'Romeo and Juliet'..." The unison groan coming from the teens told him better than well what they thought about that. "Well, what about 'The Ugly Duckling?'"

"I know just the perfect Ugly Duckling," said Sirius with a smirk, glancing towards Severus. "At least on the 'ugly' part."

"Speak of yourself, Black," snapped Severus back, although without the usual malice behind his words. "If you are capable of even _thinking_ for yourself..."

Lucius smiled and nodded. Everything was good and well in the little universe of the Detention Club.

Now, if they only could choose their next production without anybody getting killed.

Just then, Peter got the perfect idea. "What about 'Goldilocks and the Three Bears?'" the tiny, fair-haired boy suggested. "Or 'Rapunzel?' Of course, those both would require somebody with blond hair. It's rather easy to mask the hair darker than it's originally, but when trying to turn it fairer, there is usually always some place where the original hair shows up. Either that, or it looks fake. So, we need a natural blond."

"So you want to be a pretty girl, eh?" asked Sirius, quirking his eyebrow at his friend.

"Nah. Rather, I was thinking about somebody with _long_, blond hair..." At this, every boy turned to look at Lucius.

The young Potions Assistant backed away in horror. "No," he breathed, "no, I sure as _Hell_ am not going to be a girl! I'm your director! The story-teller!"

"And we're the actors," said Severus with a nasty grin. "You are quiet now, Malfoy. I can already see the story forming in my mind..."

Lucius sighed deep as all boys nodded determinedly. He was seemingly alone against them all -- and what could he do to them to make them obey him, give them detentions, eh?

However, for a moment he considered turning their detention into cauldron-washing or something like that. Fuck Dumbledore, fuck the school, fuck everyone, he would _not_ be a girl!

And yet, a pair of glinting hazel eyes stopped him from doing that. Maybe, just maybe...

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Lol. Originally I was going to let you vote for the next production, but then I got this hilarious mental image about Lucius as Goldilocks... So, the next part, _Detention Club Goldilocks and the Three Bears_ (or just _Detention Club Goldilocks_) will be up... when it's up. I have the exams going on now, remember, and I need to gather some inspiration, too, if I'm going to make it last more than one or two chapters!  
Until then, tell me what you think about this story, what you'd like to see in _Goldilocks_, and what other plays you'd like to see the Detention Club create!  



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